I Hate Big Buts, and I Cannot Lie- The "But" Way of Saying No and the "But" Way of Criticism

I see their text. I hear their tone. I watch their mouth. I read their body language. “I’d love to, BUT...” “I think that is a great idea, BUT….” “Now I’m not saying that X is not a great person. BUT...” “I appreciate how you work hard. BUT…”

Anytime I felt conversations heading towards “the B-word,” my mind filled with rage. Any praise given before criticism was blocked from my ears. If I knew an answer I didn’t want to hear was coming, I would bite my lip. I would prepare myself to counterattack and defend myself. My mind would say, “Here it comes. Go on. Get it over with.” “But” was poison. I needed to defend myself from that poison so I could get to the antidote.

Peer pressure didn’t affect me until I was an adult. I didn’t like upsetting my friends by declining their invitations. I felt giving the “I’d love to, BUT” reply would make things easier for us. The more I did this, the more I questioned my integrity. I felt I was lying to myself and my friends. If I had no interest in going in the first place, why not just tell them?

I’ve realized it’s healthier for me to say no. I do not give them the “I’d love to, BUT” speech anymore. There is no need for it. If I don’t think I’m going to enjoy the event, why bother going? If I’m judged for that, I’ve learned that’s their issue, not mine. And if I don’t like to get “butted’, why should I do that to anyone else? I will be more respected for being true to myself. As Dr. Suess says, “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.“

I don’t do the “you’re a good person, “BUT” criticism. As a team lead, I encourage others, so I say things like, “You’re doing a great job, and I know you can improve. I see you’re working hard, and I can also see you’ve been showing up late. Is there anything I can do to help with your attendance?” This allows me to express my concerns about the issue in a positive way. Boosting morale and building rapport are important to me.

Eliminating “BUT syndrome” entirely is an ongoing practice for me. When people drop “the B-word” on me, it doesn’t faze me as much as it used to. Focusing my attention on distasteful criticism and reliving that experience causes me to have a negative emotion. With a negative emotion attached, I notice my energy levels are lower. Becoming aware I can control my thoughts and reactions; I don’t want to give my power away. A question I ask myself when encountering these situations is, “Will allowing these thoughts internally help me aim for the throne?”. If the answer is no, I spit the emotions out immediately. No ifs, ands, or “BUTS” about it.

Royal Resources-Book How To Influence Friends And People. Dale Carnegie