Seek Shelter In Your Own Approval

I couldn’t look my relatives and parents directly in the face. I felt so embarrassed and depressed about what I did. I wasted everybody’s time, and wish I could take it all back. I had to be one of a select few to hold a record I wanted nothing to be a part of.

Back in summer 2004, my grandmother passed. She was my hero. Anytime fear took hold of me, she’d have the perfect words to put my mind at ease. She treated me like a king! My favorite breakfast was always made just the way I like it. I am not sure if she truly liked Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, but the look on her face always fooled me when I would pop in my VHS tapes. I could do no wrong in her eyes. She never showed any weakness around me. Even on her death bed, she still smiled. Now she was gone, and I was lost.

I dropped out of a local community college in the fall after her death. I couldn’t cope with her passing. I wasn’t sure where to find my bliss, and I started to make the mistake of thinking about what others wanted for me.

My accounting teacher in high school loved my gifts with numbers. I never required a calculator for basic addition and subtraction. I enjoyed what others would call “mindless work.” - With some Metallica on low volume in the background, journalizing debits and credits were enjoyable. Accounting came easy, and he wanted to take me under his wing.

During our senior year, he pulled all his students aside with a college he thought would be a great fit to further our education. For me, he recommended Eastern Illinois University. I never wanted to travel away to school, and EIU was 3.5 hours away. I was tight with my family and wanted to stay in Chicago. I told him thanks and put it out of my mind for the next year and a half when I decided that if he thought I would enjoy it, maybe I would like to learn it someday.

Even with dropping out of community college, I was accepted by EIU. I told everybody I was going away to school, and all supported me. Felt like the normal thing to do, right? Reality started creeping at orientation.

I made a few friends over that weekend. Everything was falling into place for me to have a great college experience. My cousins were also going to EIU. I was nervous about having a roommate in a small room. -I detest smoking, and I would FINALLY sleep in a smoke-free house. The person who was going to be my roommate was a Godsend. Friendly, courteous, and understanding. The time was nearing to officially become a student at EIU.

The day we were heading to go I felt uneasy. Everybody else around me celebrated my departure and was already planning to visit me later that semester.

When we left my parent's house, I was shaking the entire drive. I truly didn’t want to go. I was doing this for everybody else, not me. When we arrived and I said goodbye to my parents, I was crying. I was not a crier, so my parents were concerned about my well-being. I had never felt anything like this before.

My cousins were worried about me after we caught up, and I said I wanted to go home already. We just checked into our dorms, and I wanted to go home. While I was closer to my one grandmother who passed, I still had another gram I was close to. I phoned her for advice. She knew I wasn’t going to be happy here, and calmed me down. She said try sleeping there first. If you wake up and want to come home tomorrow, come home. I couldn’t sleep at all. I was shaking the entire time. I still thank God for the roommate I had. He must have been an angel in disguise. He never made fun of what I was going through. He never pressured me to eat or do anything.

The next morning, I called my parents. My parents refused to drive back to get me and wanted me to suck it up. I told them I would walk home if I had to. My outlet was my other cousin was going to the University of Illinois. My relatives were on their way back home after dropping him off, and it was not far from EIU. I called them and while they didn’t want to take me back either, I told them I wasn’t feeling right. They came to get me. I am not sure who else is in the record books of checking in and out of a college dorm in less than 24 hours.

I felt a great relief after my parents picked me up from my relatives to go back home. My roommate even reached out to make sure I was okay. Something inside me that day told me I had to experience going out there and coming back for something bigger. I had no idea what that inner voice was talking about. I just wanted to sleep in my bed for the rest of my life.

I had a tough time telling anybody I was back home so soon. I had good friends who helped me get through it. I never wanted to experience this sense of defeat again. I kept telling everybody I failed them, and let them down. I berated myself and thought the only cure was breakfast at Gramma’s, who was no longer with me.

Time healed me, and I started doing what I wanted to do. I tried a different community college again. I felt motivated to prove to everybody I could do this. I wanted their approval and acceptance, but after a semester of good grades, I became disinterested and dropped out again. Three strikes or in this case dropouts for college, and I’m out.

A decade later, I was again feeling lost. My brother, parents, family, and some friends all wanted me to try working at the airlines. My brother was already working at one for a few years, and it was treating him well. Friends and family questioned why I wouldn’t want to work for the airlines, as they felt my current job in merchandising had no real future.

I decided to apply for a job at an airline, and they hired me. People kept telling me what a great career choice this will be, and that I would enjoy it.

I was working as a ramp serviceman. It was mindless work, but, as I said earlier, I like mindless work. Plus, this job would keep me on the move and physically fit. The pay seemed great, and one benefit of working for an airline is flying for free.- I was certain I would make everyone proud and still have time to do the things I loved.

I made a few friends during training. The computer work was easy. I was learning a lot about safety. People were looking at me as a leader in the room. I was able to help encourage others who struggled with some concepts. I was showing off my work badge thinking this is what power and importance feel like. What I didn’t like was something my brother never shared with me that was essential to the job; I had to drive.

I thought the job would just be loading and unloading bags for drivers, but then we went to a practice field for driving. There were humongous powerful vehicles we were required to drive. I was able to drive one little guy with no problem. I was getting extreme motion sickness during the training. I struggled with one vehicle, in particular, the belt-loader.

I was never good with lining things up. Even as a kid, I struggled to color in the lines. As I tried driving the belt-loader, I made some mistakes, and I started worrying I would injure someone or damage equipment. Recalling my experience with college, I wanted to prove I could conquer this. I pulled a team lead aside and asked them if we could make time to go back to the training facility to practice driving the belt-loader. I was told no! With a sink or swim mentality, I never get in the water. I had anxiety kicking in all over again about failing everybody, I couldn’t sleep, and dreaded going back to training the next day.

On Christmas eve 2018, our training for the day was to get back into the belt-loaders for our exam. Since I never had more time to practice, my mind was made up: I needed to resign immediately. It was another embarrassing way to leave. A few of my coworkers reached out saying they were sorry to see me go, but they respected my character regarding my decision.

Here we go again. I felt depressed because I was worried about what other people would think of me. I started thinking about what I would need to say to convince people I would be fine. But wait, do I need to validate other people or myself? How inauthentic was I being? I never use to care what others thought about me. I always beat to my own drum.

In the present day, I’m nearing my birthday, and I’m proud to say I am now living in bliss! I’m a homeowner. The work I do now allows me time to try new things. I’m networking with amazing people. I’ve quit living inauthentically and instead am living my life my way without worrying about the approval of others.

Royal Resources

Book- Pulling Your Own Strings- Wayne Dyer